| The Psychology of Hair Loss
By Tony Perricone
I would like to thank all the people who responded to my requests for their hair loss stories. About 35 very brave men opened up and spilled their guts on this very sensitive issue. Without the help of these willing participants , this story would not have been possible. I will paraphrase some of their comments below, but their name will be omitted to protect their identity.
Discovery:
After the first few profiles came in, it started to become very clear there were marked similarities in the stories. For the most part, many of the respondents including myself just blew off the idea that we could be loosing our hair. In fact, I remember when I was first told by my ex-wife almost 10 years ago as she cut my hair (something she still does to this day), that I was getting thin in the back. I just laughed it off and said "We all have to go sometime" I really didn't give it a second thought at that time. Thinking back on it, maybe I should have.
Almost all of the respondents first noticed their hair loss at young ages between 17 and 22. In most cases the first reaction to this initial revelation was to simply shrug it off and ignore it. The stories are as follows.
"I am only 21. It went like this: I looked in the mirror at 16, I remember, and noticed that the hair in the corners where the sides meet the temples looked more blond than the rest, and also kind of frazzled. All my hair was there at the time, so this caused me absolutely no concern whatsoever. I simply considered it an interesting fact about my hair that I hadn't noticed before."
"I'm 30 now, but I think I knew something was happening back at about 24 or 25. I would always notice these shorter thin hairs everywhere. There were specifically two times before that I was convinced it was happening back then. Somehow.... I guess I just blocked it out. It bothered me so much that I think I actually subconsciously blocked it out of my mind"
"I started losing hair dramatically in my early 20's. This was receding hairline and no bald "spot". I really didn't think too much about it because it made me look "older" and that was OK then. "
Admission:
The preceding three gentlemen all dealt with the first realization of hair loss in slightly different ways. Overall however, it didn't seem to be a big deal at first. The following clips are from men who have finally realized their hair loss and how they reacted to it.
"Seemed like the hair style I'd used for so many years just wasn't possible. I pulled the hair straight back, and looked closely ... and my stomach sank. Sure enough, (as the Newfies say) there was my hairline, gone!"
"For past 6 years my hair loss has been agonizingly painful. It is like slow poison killing inside. "
"This is the single most traumatic thing I have ever gone through. It is so bad that I was having VERY suicidal thoughts."
"I became so depressed about it happening to me that I needed to go on anti-depressants, I regularly cried and felt like killing myself. "
You get the idea! Although not all the responses were this dramatic, the majority of the men who responded were very upset to say the least. The first time I noticed my hair was "Gone" in front, I just sat there and looked in the mirror for a while. My only defense for that moment and the 10 years that followed was to simply walk away from the mirror. I spent very little time in front of the mirror and only looked in one when necessary. Only when I got ready in the morning or checking to see if I had an asparagus spear hanging out of my teeth after eating. Even then I avoided looking up.
Living with hair loss:
Once the initial shock is over, many of the respondents had to struggle with the fact that they will never look the same. Day by day they would agonize over it and in some cases even throughout the night, here is how their hair loss effected their lives.
"The best way to sum up my feelings about this personally, is that it just feels like some sick joke. I've had long hair (shoulder length) the better part of my life. I've always been involved in playing rock music. That, has always been the most important thing in my life. It seems so stupid, but my hair is such a part of that. Without that, I feel like I don't have a life anymore. At least not MY life."
"For nine months now, I have gone to bed thinking about it, and it's the first thing I think of when I wake up. It reminds me of that knot you get in your stomach when you wake up and remember that you have to do something you hate that day."
"My situation now is that I am still very conscious of my hair. Whenever hair comes up in conversation I get agitated and try desperately to change the subject and get tense in case my hair is mentioned. I avoid mirrors as much as possible even on the train from work when it is dark, I try to get a seat where i wouldn't see my reflection. "
" I think the other frustrating thing for me, is that I can control to a certain extent other aspects of the aging process. For example, though I dislike it, I work out daily and am probably nearly as physically fit and weigh about the same as in college. My ability to play tennis, ski etc. is still very good. Hair loss, on the other hand, puts a person in a position of lack of control, a feeling which nobody likes."
" Earlier at every stage I learned to live with the receding hairline, by comparing myself with good looking men with a similar hairline. But this form of rationalization is fast becoming unacceptable."
"I don't really suffer from lack of self-confidence (yet), but I am experiencing definite psychological effects. For example, fear of mirrors. I hate looking in the mirror or being in rooms with mirrors. Fear of direct overhead light."
Again, the majority of the respondents still feel that their hair loss has a major impact on their lives. The following are a few who have accepted it in some positive way.
" Very recently, I have "embraced" the idea. It is inevitable. There's nothing I can really do about it, so I might as well stop worrying about it. I've even adopted the philosophy of "bald is beautiful." It's one of the things that makes me who I am, so I might as well be proud of it!"
"This made me examine what was important about my identity: the quality of my mind and character, and the way I treated others, or the way I looked. I came to feel that my outward appearance is not as important as inner peace: and I realized that if my appearance WERE too important to me, it would be at the COST of my inner peace. I have felt the effects of not fitting others ideas of good looks (although not, as far as I could tell, due to baldness) but having to deal with the option of allowing my feelings about myself to be affected has led me to, what I feel, is greater mental health."
"I am still funny, still smart, and still youthful looking. I have coped quite well in the months since the realization."
Fighting hair loss:
Most of the respondents have tried some form of hair loss treatments with varying success. Everything form herbs, to risky surgery. Here are just a few examples of their battle with hair loss. Naturally, the list of treatments goes on endlessly. Since this is not an article about treatments, I'll leave that for another day.
"And just FTR (cause you asked what I've done to stop it): Along with the above mentioned treatments (minoxidil and HT), I'm also doing the kitchen-sink approach so frequently talked about on alt.baldspot:
Proscar
SP
Proxiphen
Lots of vitamins and minerals"
"I have finally decided to go with transplants and looking for a very good doctor. Since I need to do my hair front line, finding a good doctor is very important"
"I have tried Minoxidil/Rogaine when it was in its first trials. It lowered my blood pressure to the point that it was difficult or impossible to achieve an erection. This is NOT an advancement! Before that I tried a topical Biotin treatment that was worthless."
Observations:
Since starting the Bald Man's Home page I have received numerous email from people in all stages of hair loss. They also have different views on how hair loss effects them. I have to say that some have had such a desperate tone, that I suggested they see a counselor. Some even appeared so overwhelmed that baldness has made them dysfunctional.
There are many articles and web sites on the subject of hair loss and restoration, but none that have explored the psychological aspect of what can be a debilitating "illness". I wanted to know and show what makes this issue such a major part of our lives and how best to cope with it. That is what this article is about. I may not have any answers, but I can make you aware that you are NOT alone.
Many of the men who responded stated their biggest fear and difficulty was meeting women. To some degree this fear is well founded, but only in certain settings. Going to a night club where all the women are dressed to kill, plaster on the makeup and have big hair contests is a difficult place for a balding stranger to compete. However, the right community group, work place or church setting may be a place where you can be you. I also doesn't help that all the hair places always pace the after pictures of guys with beautiful (probably brainless) women.
I can always tell when some of the women where I work are on their periods. They come to work in their worst outfits, put on the bare minimum make-up and their hair is usually pulled back in a tie or a little messier that usual. They subconsciously think they should look bad because they feel bad. The same goes for men. In the case of bald men, they perpetuate their misery by not making the best of what they can. Putting hair remedies aside for a minute, why not go out and get some new clothes, detail your car, cut your hair real short and neat. Take a few night courses at the local college and just maybe, you'll run into someone with some common interest who could care less about your hair or lack of it. They are out there because I married one, and when I had NO front hair line.
Conclusion:
This is real serious stuff. Some men say loosing their hair is no big deal, I honestly don't entirely believe them. For others, being bald is analogous to a grotesque physical deformity. For the rest of us in between, it's just a major pain in the ass. It makes us self conscious, steals our youth and boyish looks. It changes the way we act and feel around others. It is a great imposition on our lives. However I found out one very important thing. It doesn't change the way the people who really matter, feel about you.
Over the '96 Christmas holidays my family came out to visit me from New York. They hadn't seen me for eight months or since my transplants 6 months before, and I hadn't told them about it. By this time most of the hair had grown in and for TWO days, no one said a word. Thinking they just didn't realize, I past out pictures from the Christmas before. Nothing! My wife finally told them what I had done and they simply said "really". My wife's response was, "Yeah can you believe it, and I was going to ask him to shave his head, I think he would be sooo sexy"!
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